Evergreen Up Late: Idiot America

It’s time for our weekly round-up of randomness! I won’t keep you long, I promise.

Once upon a time,  I did this exact same thing but my “life savings” were about $50 and I would have sworn I was the big winner if I’d gotten that sweet, dreadlocked Rasta-nana.

This is every mans dream product. We’re already used to the not washing it part.

And now a word from our sponsor. Tractor Supply Company & Sex Toys, Inc. My favorite line is as follows, “He’s been unable to get fingerprints from the dildo “It had touched too many hands,” he admitted.”

Poor girl. It sounds like she was looking for the S & M Club across the street and just got lost.

All this pop culture zombie stuff makes sense now. No offense but that sounds offal

Until next time.

Evergreen Up Late: Wide World of Dopes!

Tonight we are spanning the globe to bring you the constant variety of knuckleheads. The thrill of notoriety and the agony of internet infamy. The human drama of bad decisions and ill conceived actions that we call….The Wide World of Dopes!

We’re back and not quite as good as we used to be. However, we’re still more than adequate to the task of exposing the unseemly underbelly of the internet. Don’t think of it as a downer though because it should remind you of how great your life is…

Let’s begin with this huuuuuuuge story. I feel for the guy. I’ve had similar problems of an opposite nature myself…

Our next story take us to Hong Kong where….Holy Crap!!!

Now I can see how Nessie could mess up your boat but what this story really reminds me is that it’s almost time to re-up my Godzilla coverage.

Meanwhile back here in the States, kids are going to learn about sex one way or the other.

Someone should have pulled this guy aside and asked him from which petting zoo taught him this trick.

All of which leads us to our final story of the evening. Gotta say I’m glad because we sure aren’t as cool or civilized as we think we are.

If you need me I’ll be in the backyard with my flashlight trying to flag down a ride.

Evergreen Up Late: For What It’s Worth

I usually try to be funny in this space. Not tonight. I want to talk about something else right now. It’s our crappy politics. Again. You may have heard there was a national tragedy in Boston today. As of right now there are 3 dead and over 130 injured. Nobody knows a damned thing about the why but that doesn’t stop fools all the Internet from pretending that they do.

I’ve seen some right wingers screaming Muslims did it!!!

I’ve seen some left wingers screaming Teabaggers did it!!!

I saw a reporter say this was “the worst thing she had ever seen” (you’re fuckin’ kidding me right?) Ever heard of 911 honey?

I saw Alex Jones say that the federal government was behind this attack.

I can understand some venting from both sides but what I cannot understand is the lack of basic respect for the victims of this attack. The psychotic need for people to spew their hate trumps every decent bone in their bodies.

We’ll get through this. We always do. But I have got to mention that unlike when these major events have occurred in the past I was totally unsurprised this time. After 911, Iraq, Afghanistan, Virginia Tech, Ft Hood,  Sandy Hook, etc., etc., etc., etc., I’m all out of shock.

I find myself almost expecting to hear crazy shit at any second. I don’t know what that says about me other than this. I am fed up and I don’t know where to go with that. Or where you’ll go with that either. I am not a religious man but tonight I’ll say a prayer for this country and the people in it. We all need one tonight.


Evergreen Up Late: Fools Game

In case you forgot, April 1st was one week ago. April Fools Day. I’m always stunned that people fall for anything on April Fools Day but every year there they are. Falling for stuff on April Fools Day.

In case you missed something and I’m guessing you did given the fact that the Internet is a big place, here are some of the things that happened on April Fools Day.

As usual, the British kick our ass at everything. Check out these awesome twitter based hijinx!

Here is one story purporting to have the ten best pranks of this year.

Followed by this story that says the same thing. Someone is clearly wrong.

But there’s one story that stands alone for me. I’ve finally figured out where pet-ophiles go to get their kitty porn

There is one bit of good news. I won’t be Rick-Rollin’ you outta here tonight.

Civil War

What is the one thing that America needs in the worst way? More jobs? A reduction in the national debt? More moral fiber? More guns? More freedom? More Socialism? More religion? Nahhh, it isn’t any of those things although that’s what we spend most of our time arguing about when it comes to politics.

I remember a time when those issues didn’t matter all that much. While we certainly did discuss them and often fell on different sides of the argument, they weren’t the first arrows pulled from the quiver when Americans went to battle over politics. We were all paying attention to something else. Something bigger. Something more ominous out on that horizon. Our common external enemy.

In the early part of the 20th century during World War I, it was the Germans. Kaiser Wilhelm. After vanquishing that threat (at least temporarily) we had a great time until the economy crashed in 1929 and we ended up with Hoovervilles all over the place. Times sucked.

Then on December 7, 1941 we were attacked at Pearl Harbor and guess what? We had a new external enemy. Three of them in fact. Japan, followed by Germany and Italy in quick succession. Hallelujah! The economy righted itself due to the war effort and things were looking up. Until that war ended.

Then we needed another external enemy to focus on and we found one in the USSR and communism. So we went to war in Korea and accomplished little or nothing other than a stalemate for the past 60 years centered on the DMZ at the 38th parallel. Shortly thereafter we had the McCarthy hearings with all that bloviation about how our government was being and had been infiltrated by the Reds. Less than 5 years later we had the Russian Missile Crisis. A short period of time after that we went to Vietnam, proving that we had learned nothing in Korea and stayed there for over 10 years. Again we accomplished next to nothing but we were still staring at that bogeyman with the hammer and sickle. Mutually Assured Destruction. The spread of communism. The Cold War. We were happy and distracted by our mutual external enemy.

Here at home, if my liberal views and your conservative views didn’t mesh we simply choked down our Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups of discontent and paid attention to the real bad guy over there. Them. Those guys. Our mutual enemy.

We fought communism and the Soviets for 40+ years. And then we won.

But did we really win? We lost our greatest asset. Our external enemy. We’ve been trying hard to replace them for over 20 years since the fall of the Soviet Union and where are we today?

Still searching for a bad guy.

We tried Iraq. Sorry but they were not worthy of the blood, sweat, and tears we spent trying to make them the new bad guy. Don’t get me wrong, Iraq was not a saintly nation but as an opponent they were more like one of Joe Louis’ Bum of the Month Club fights than anything else. Same with Afghanistan, North Korea and Iran as well. These tomato cans are not worthy opponents of the USA or the time we waste on them in our collective psyches.

We need that external enemy. We want that external enemy. Otherwise we have to turn inward on ourselves  – which has been happening for the past 10 years. The age old liberal/conservative clashes that have remained on the back burner and have been slowly simmering for years have finally gotten jacked up to high. We’re boiling over and making a mess of ourselves, but eventually we are the ones who will have to apron up and clean the kitchen of our country.

We’re all Americans. We can disagree all day about governmental policy and often do. But it doesn’t further our mutual aims. It doesn’t solve any problems. It’s a circle jerk of civic disgruntlement.

If we don’t find a way to talk to one another without demonizing anyone who doesn’t agree with us we are doomed. Over. We shall become a footnote in history.

Do you want that?

I know I don’t. I’ve got kids (and one day I hope grandkids) that are going to have to live on this smoldering rock after I’m long gone. If we don’t find a way to coexist peacefully I only see one option out on that horizon.

Love your brothers and sisters before it’s too late people.

Welcome back my friends! Let’s take a trip where normal humans fear to tread. A place outside the boundaries of good taste and sophistication that you’ve come to expect from Everblog. Tonight we go One Step Beyond! to bring you the finest Idiot America has to offer! Until tomorrow anyway…

I know it’s cold and all folks but spring will eventually be sprung and prosecuting the groundhog won’t help.

If there’s one thing I cannot abide it’s a nutswiper with a bad attitude.

To partially quote Dean Wormer, “Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life Grandma”

Perhaps this was just a crime of convenience but I suspect Mr. Balika had been “casein” that truck for some time.

I have no idea whether she’s guilty or not but what I do know is that she would win a  game of “Duck, Duck, Goose” hands down.

Thankfully, all of the heretofore mentioned criminals were apprehended before authorities had to pull out the big guns. Be sure to check out the sweet slideshow of America’s finest part time superheroes down at the bottom of the link.

Crime makes me thirsty. Barkeep, gimme a Mount Vernon Boilermaker with a Porky Pig chaser please!

Evergreen Up Late: I’ve Got The Vapers and I Think I Like It.

Tonight we go down a smoke-centric blog hole and hopefully we come back out smelling like a brand new, unused ashtray.

Last week the lovely Mrs. Adonis and I decided to quit smoking.

It was a difficult choice because, hey, we are addicts and all.

First I tried to convince her to try these Kosher smokes through Passoverwhich are really just regular cigarettes without tips, amirite?

Then I got all excited because I thought maybe we were moving to California but nooooooo…

In the end, we decided to stay right here in Florida and become “Vapers“.

I’m not gonna lie to you, e-cigarettes are similar to regular cigarettes but what they don’t mention in the brochures about real smokes (and I know because I looked) is that the rest of the crap in cigarettes has every bit or more effect on people as the nicotine does. So what I’m saying is that while I wasn’t the happiest camper for the first few days now I’m doing fine. Mrs. Adonis, on the other hand, took to them like a duck to water.

In summation, I give these things my highest recommendation if you’re in the market to quit, cut back or have thought about it.

There is only one serious side effect worthy of note.

I’m turning Japanese, I think I’m turning Japanese, I really think so…


Evergreen Up Late: Games People Play

We don’t normally do this but tonight there are a few sports stories I’d like to take a whack at…

Oh look. Tiger seems to have found true love. Again. Fair warning though Eldrick, I bet she can swing a 9 iron harder than your ex.

Want to win your bracket contest in the NCAA Basketball Tournament? Do NOT follow this advice.

NFL Free Agency opened last week and while I haven’t seen a single story about collusion between the owners, I suspect it is what’s happening. Otherwise these guys suck.

If you’re fielding a foul ball, give it to a fan. If you’re fielding a fair ball, don’t.

Perhaps you find yourself wondering who that PGA player reminds you of?

Up Late: Idiot America; Boom!

Welcome to the show
Please come inside
Ladies and gentlemen

Do you want it?
Do you need it?
Let me hear it
Ladies and gentlemen

I always knew they would come for me one day.

And she’d have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids toys…

You’re the best Mom ever.

Not one but two naughty teachers this week. Where do they find the time?

Is that a drone in your pocket or are you just glad to see me??

I’m not the church going type but if I were this isn’t the kind I’d go to either.

I swear if I get one more blast of cold air up my shorts I’m buying a pair of these beauties. I still might buy them even if the weather is lovely.

However, I’m still jealous of anyone who gets a 2 for 1 deal.

Evergreen Up Late: Up in Smoke Edition

Not a lot of setup. Just a lot of screw up.

I’m pretty sure the trailer jumped out in front of him.

No matter what parents, never admit you did anything of the sort.

Because if you did you might have to explain why this one night you got the munchies and went out looking for some almond cakes.

But since you had the munchies, you forgot that Ikea has the almond cakes you were craving.

So now you stay home and wait for the Ice Cream truck.